Fight the Future? (#14 of ??), aka Avoiding both discharges and emissions in Texas

by Michael S. Kaplan, published on 2008/04/12 03:01 -04:00, original URI:

Content of Michael Kaplan's personal blog not approved by Microsoft (see disclaimer)!
Regular readers should keep in mind that all I said in The End? still applies; the allusion to the X-Files continues for people who understand such references....

It was a decidely embarrassing conversation (though not for me) between myself and my cousin Adam, with bits and pieces from my cousin Maya (this cousin)....

Adam: So, I hear we are both making an appearance tomorrow?
Me: Yep.
Adam: So, do you know what we're doing?
Me: An aliyah.
Adam: Yes, but what is that, exactly?
{I realize it was not that many years ago that he was at his own Bar Mitzvah doing these things, so I hum a few bars until he recognizes it}
Adam: Oh, that one?
Me: Yeo, before and after the Torah portion.
Adam: Okay, I can do that.
Me: Now I almost feel guilty about this, but this is a blog post, right here.

 We were then talking about the Torah portion, with the notes from the program. It is from Levitcus 15, for those who know their bible well enough:

13 When one with a discharge becomes clean of his discharge, he shall count off seven days for his cleansing, wash his clothes, and bathe his body in fresh water; then he shall be clean. 14 On the eighth day he shall take two turtledoves or two pigeons and come before the Lord at the entrance of the Tent of Meeting and give them to the priest. 15 The priest shall offer them, the one as a sin offering and the other as a burnt offering. Thus the priest shall make expiation on his behalf, for his discharge, before the Lord.

16 When a man has an emission of semen, he shall bathe his whole body in water and remain unclean until evening. 17 All cloth or leather on which semen falls shall be washed in water and remain unclean until evening. 18 And if a man has carnal relations with a woman, they shall bathe in water and remain unclean until evening.

19 When a woman has a discharge, her discharge being blood from her body, she shall remain in her impurity seven days; whoever touches her shall be unclean until evening. 20 Anything that she lies on during her impurity shall be unclean; and anything that she sits on shall be unclean. 21 Anyone who touches her bedding shall wash his clothes, bathe in water, and remain unclean until evening; 22 and anyone who touches any object on which she has sat shall wash his clothes, bathe in water, and remain unclean until evening. 23 Be it the bedding or be it the object on which she has sat, on touching it he shall be unclean until evening. 24 And if a man lies with her, her impurity is communicated to him; he shall be unclean seven days, and any bedding on which he lies shall become unclean.

25 When a woman has had a discharge of blood for many days, not at the time of her impurity, or when she has a discharge beyond her period of impurity, she shall be unclean, as though at the time of her impurity, as long as her discharge lasts. 26 Any bedding on which she lies while her discharge lasts shall be for her like bedding during her impurity; and any object on which she sits shall become unclean, as it does during her impurity: 27 whoever touches them shall be unclean; he shall wash his clothes, bathe in water, and remain unclean until evening.

28 When she becomes clean of her discharge, she shall count off seven days, and after that she shall be clean. 29 On the eighth day she shall take two turtledoves or two pigeons, and bring them to the priest at the entrance of the Tent of Meeting. 30 The priest shall offer the one as a sin offering and the other as a burnt offering; and the priest shall make expiation on her behalf, for her unclean discharge, before the Lord.

31 You shall put the Israelites on guard against their uncleanness, lest they die through their uncleanness by defiling My Tabernacle which is among them.

32 Such is the ritual concerning him who has a discharge: concerning him who has an emission of semen and becomes unclean thereby, 33 and concerning her who is in menstrual infirmity, and concerning anyone, male or female, who has a discharge, and concerning a man who lies with an unclean woman.

I have no idea what Allison's speech is going to do with this tomorrow, but this Torah portion that reads like an ancient version of a sexual education lecture she may have had to go through earlier this very year and suddenly all of my holiday Gog/Magog stuff from 24 years prior doesn't seem so bad. I am already impressed and she hasn't even started yet!

I don't even know if I feel old enough to hear someone talk about this text.Worse yet that I know some of the Hebrew! Maybe she will tie it in with the Haftorah somehow....

I have a picture of her older sister Sarah with her mom (Julie) where Sarah is tiny -- how on earth can Allison be looking at 13 and Sarah looking at 16? Maya is married and living in an old peoples bit of Bellevue, and Alexis is living in New York City (well, actually in "The City" since if you are a New Yorker all other cities in the world are villages and townships).

They have pictures of me too, from Lexie's Bat Mitzvah all those years go. Thankfully just a few; I would be happiest if no pictures existed from that point in my life. But others looked funnier so I got off easy. :-)

I think I feel very old right now....


This blog written with no Unicode discharges or emissions....

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