Amazing what a difference a preposition makes (aka Boy with stick, gets no chick)

by Michael S. Kaplan, published on 2007/09/09 04:37 -04:00, original URI:

ABSOLUTELY nothing technical. I mean it. If you even think there is something technical in here then you are probably drunker than I am right now.... 

Tonight was a unique new experience for me.

I went out with a few of my neighbors, and we decided to go clubbing,

I think that's what you call it, they are all much younger than I am (like in their late 20's).

It was interesting watching people dance (I used the cane to get in and had no scooter, so actual dancing seemed out of the question).

But anyway, I had a woman walk up to me tentatively, with the look of a woman with a question that she did not quite know how to ask. Annette, Dan, and Marla (my comrades) seemed amused.

She introduces herself, her name is Claire.

("Damn!" I scroan1 to myself. My track record with Claires has been pretty bad over the years, something like one for eight and the one does little more than nod toward me is she sees me, these days. I have learned slowly that Claires and I just don't tend go anywhere.)

Luckily for me, her interest was no exactly romantic -- she reads my blog. :-)

My loyal companions are doing their bast to not roll on the floor laughing and are not entirely successful, which just makes Claire more nervous.

I can't help myself, I have no what this young woman (I guessed 22) could possibly see in the blog, so I ask what she likes about it.

She admits that it was actually my (very) recent If she goes for an air kiss when you go for a cheek kiss, you might be (quite literally) missing the bus[s] that interested her. She is trying to train her boyfriend (her term, not mine and probably not his either) and she found it in a Google search. Since then she has been looking mainly at the singer/songwriter feeds and thinks I should write more about non-technical subjects.

Marla kicks me under the table and I introduce everyone to everyone else.

At that point Claire excuses herself briefly as one of her companions (named Tricia) was heading to the restroom and needed Claire to go with her.

Annette thinks the woman is flirting with me, but Marla disagrees -- she thinks the poor girl is starstruck, like as if she met a celebrity.

Kind of ironic given what I think I remember Claire actually means. My eyes are in danger of falling out of my head they are rolling so much; I think they are both wrong, and say as much. 

They start to disagree but thankfully they shut up since Claire is now back and she is explaining to Tricia who I am. In listening to her description I decide two things:

"She wants to ask you to dance," Tricia gigglingly explains, "but she is afraid to." I decide Tricia has had a few as well.

"Trish!" she exclaims, hitting her friend's arm. "He can't dance, he doesn't have his scooter with him!"

Oops, I think she did not intend to reveal that she had read that many of the blog posts. She is turning quite red now, so I decide I was right about the extraneous revelation.

"I'm sorry Claire," I say, "but you're right. Me on the dance floor right now likely means you just breaking my fall, and that's a best case scenario."

And I do my best to look sad about this, since that is easier than actually falling to prove my point. When I was younger I would fall for women, now as I have gotten older I fall on them.

Amazing what a difference a preposition makes -- about fifteen years!

"You could do worse," Annette says, "though he has put on some weight so it probably better to not take the chance." 

Claire smiles, embarrassed but I think relieved, as she has saved face after Trisha sort of went a bit further than she ought to have.

I buy them both drinks and they hang out for a bit longer before they have to leave and rejoin their larger group, and presumably her boyfriend.

Who I am guessing probably won't see this post, though I decide Claire probably will.

I'm probably a little drunk now too, which explains why I am even posting this at all rather than skipping it.

Annette turns to me and says "I thought you said 'Boy with stick [referring to the cane] gets no chick' didn't you?"

"Well I don't," I explain. "She's gone now, isn't she? And beside, she has a boyfriend."

"Who you are teaching the etiquette of public kissing to, in your spare time!" Marla points out.

"Maybe the scooter is a chick magnet -- She mentioned it, and I know when I was a teenager the guy with a car always seemed somehow more attractive," Annette suggests.

"Doesn't work," I say, shaking my head. "Boy who scoots gets no beauts!"

Dan laughs and says "I think I should start a blog of my own so hot women half my age will talk to me in public. Any advice on how to start?"

"That's easy," I quip. "Step 1, go insane, Step 2, start blathering in public about stuff that interests you. The rest is history."

"Or hysteria," says Marla, laughing.

Annette points out that women half Dan's age are way too young to get into bars, and he shouldn't be hitting on them anyway since that would be jail time.

The conversation devolves at this point (to the extent that it had not devolved already, I mean).

We head out probably an hour later and as we leave we are passing by their table. As we pass, Claire stands up and gives me a cheek kiss and thanks me for all my help. I am too surprised to even give an air kiss back which I decide is what she intended anyway, so I just nod and smile and say "any time."

"If you blog about this, please be nice," she pleads.

"If you'd rather I didn't...."

"No!" she says, a bit faster than she perhaps intended. "I'm just saying if you do, please be nice."

I nod, "Okay."

Dan drives us all home, and I point out how completely out of the ordinary all of this was. And they have been out with me before so they know I am telling the truth.

Marla suggests that perhaps I am just a late bloomer.

Annette points out "If you don't blog about meeting her you'll make that girl cry."

Dan disagrees. "If she even remembers it at all."

Marla hits Dan on the head "You understand less about women every day of your life, Dan."

"Hey, what do you mean? Michael and I both left the club with the most attractive women there!"

"And yet Dan and I are both going to sleep alone tonight" I can't refrain from saying.

"Not until after Michael blogs about it, though" finishes Marla. "Be sure to put in that part about us being the hottest women there."

Will do, Marla. Noblesse oblige is the operative phrase here, I think. :-)

But Claire gets to come in third at least. Hope you had a nice evening, dear. It was definitely out of the ordinary for me!


1 - A combination of a scream and a groan, both with feeling. A loud one that you do yourself can actually bring tears to your eyes.


This post brought to you by (U+2619, a.k.a. REVERSED ROTATED FLORAL HEART BULLET)

# Joel on 9 Sep 2007 6:52 PM:

I must admit, I subscribed to your blog as part of an OPML package of Microsoft bloggers - but I stayed for the non-technical posts. A lot of your technical posts are very well written (and I love the titles) but way over my head.

Stories of Limonata and scooting around campas has kept your RSS feed in Google Reader for me. I too hope that you continue the non-technical postings.

# claire l. on 9 Sep 2007 8:36 PM:

your readers should know that it was an odd night for me too. i was very drunk and acting very unladylike. you could have taken advantage and i'm glad you didn't.

thank you keeping your word, and for being a gentleman.



# Michael S. Kaplan on 9 Sep 2007 9:23 PM:

No worries, Claire. I'm nothing if not a gentleman. :-)

# Michael S. Kaplan on 9 Sep 2007 10:11 PM:

Hey Joel,

I hear you. All I have to do is find the right balance so that the two entirely different crowds of people can be happy (I lack the passion for the idea of splitting into two separate blogs)....

# ikk on 12 Sep 2007 4:27 PM:

How did she recognize you? I didn't even know you had your photo or something on the web... :-S **confused**

# Michael S. Kaplan on 12 Sep 2007 4:44 PM:

There is a picture of me over on the right side (you have to expand to see it). Some people such as me kind of like the pic, others hate it.

# ikk on 12 Sep 2007 5:39 PM:

Now I see it :-p

First i had never expanded that item. Second, when i was hunting for your photo, all images were being blocked here at work (even those little "plus"/"minus" were not appearing -- most likely they are in another domain outside After 6pm the internet is not blocked and i found your photo :-D

# Michael S. Kaplan on 12 Sep 2007 7:11 PM:

Ah yes, all my images are hosted elsewhere -- we are not given enough space here per blog....

referenced by

2008/05/04 Sparrows' tears? Perhaps. But never a teardrop on the fire...

2007/11/18 Whether one is ignorant of it or ignoring it, often the result is ultimately the same

2007/10/20 Work/life balance, step 2 -- be happy as much and as often as you can (and not just at work!)

go to newer or older post, or back to index or month or day